Can’t go on like this
by planet p
Summary: Story repost! AU; Catherine has a present for Sydney. Sydney/Catherine


**Can't go on like this** by planet p

**Disclaimer** I don't own _the Pretender_ or its characters.

25/08/2006

The little girl gazed up into the boundless blue sky, her baby blues spellbound. All that space. She wondered if the birdies sometimes got lost when they were flying.

She looked back to her mother to ask. Her mother smiled down at her and took her sweaty hand so they could cross the hot asphalt road, singing a song she had heard on the radio.

Summer blazed and glared, dusty wind harsh and grating as the sun searing on the little girl's pale face.

Cars whizzed past in front of them but Jezebel felt safe with her mummy holding her hand, knew that she wouldn't let any of those mean-looking cars hurt her. She frowned for a moment, her red leather sandals scraping blisters into the back of her tiny ankle.

A white Morris passed and Jezebel dashed across to the other side happily, hair in her mouth and not a bit out of breath. The concrete footpath was faded from sun and cracked from age. Like the lines old people have, Jezebel thought, and smiled.

She was happy right now. Her mummy was taking her to the ice cream shop where they would sit at their favourite booth by the grubby front windows. Jezebel would have soda and her mummy coffee with chicory.

Her mummy is writing in a book. Jezebel looks up from her yummy ice cream and frowns at the pretty words. So many words, and she wishes she could read better.

The young woman finishes her dedication and shuts the front page, smiling at her baby girl who has pink sprinkles on her nose.

_They can't go on like this_

_She knows it_

_He knows it too_

**

* * *

**

The little girl sees her mummy give the book to a man, a man who isn't her daddy. She is waiting outside a room with a grey door, bored. She doesn't mean to spy but she's terribly bored.

The man has brown eyes which the little girl decides she likes. Her mummy is standing as still as ice on the window in winter.

The man places the book down on the table and takes up her hands. He talks to her with a funny voice which almost makes the little girl giggle. Her mummy isn't happy though. She shakes her head, doesn't want to hear what the man has to say, pretends not to care. Ice. Placing a cold kiss on his cheek, she pulls her hands from his grasp and turns to leave.

"Cathy…?" He doesn't finish. She doesn't stop. He looks so sad. Jezebel wants to yell at her mummy for making the man sad. The little girl thinks he might cry and turns angrily to her mummy.

The pain she is trying so hard to keep from her face is clearly written in her eyes, but she keeps her stance strong and confident. She takes her baby's hand and strides away, mechanical and cold. And now Jezebel wants to cry, and she doesn't understand.

_She wants to cry_

_But she doesn't dare_

_She wants to run back to his arms_

_But she doesn't dare_

Catherine can't let it show, can't show weakness. She knows she will be strong, but inside she doesn't feel that way. They reach the elevator and she turns to her daughter, smoothing the fringe from her sad blue eyes.

The little girl sees her mummy is strong and knows that she will grow up to be strong as well.

**

* * *

**

_So she goes_

_And cries herself to sleep_

Catherine sits in her bed, the book she had been reading lay disregarded in her lap. She can feel the loneliness like a dark storm brewing. Her bottom lip trembles but she bites it until it bleeds.

Her baby comes later, tired eyes half-closed. The little girl yawns and stretches, standing in the doorway like an angel, the sterile hall light shining through her messy hair like a halo.

"Oh, Angel, what's wrong?"

Jezebel frowns. "I can't sleep, mummy."

Catherine smiles. She's making it up, she just wants some attention from her mummy, but Catherine doesn't care.

She reads her a book and she falls asleep on the bed beside her. Catherine strokes her brunette hair before carefully tucking her in and reaching for her novel on the bedside cabinet.

Her hand falls limp on the mattress, her blue eyes locked on the phone. And she stays like this until she falls asleep, tears streaming silently down her polished cheeks.

_He didn't ring_

_She told him not to_

_He didn't write_

_She told him not to_

_But she still hopes he will anyway_

**

* * *

**

_Dreaming her life away_

Her husband isn't home, he's working late. And she doesn't want to be alone. But she tells herself it will be better tomorrow, and for now she has her baby…

* * *

Why won't he just ring? Why won't he just write? She doesn't understand.

_He never looks at her anymore_

_He never speaks to her anymore_

_Any more than is necessary_

_Always polite_

_All smiles and happy faces_

She sees him in the hall talking with Mr. Raines. She is leant against the wall around the corner, just listening to his voice. But she just can't take it anymore. She has to see him, just this once. She takes a deep breath, smoothes her hair with her hand, and casually sweeps around the corner.

She swears she will walk away but the sight of him stops those resolutions clear in their tracks, struck down dead. And she wants to run to him and throw her arms around him; just to have him hold her like before.

His eyes wander past the man he is talking with. He gives her an encouraging little smile as though she were simply a frazzled office worker. She thinks she should just walk right up to him and slap him, tell him she was wrong and they can still be friends. But she doesn't. Instead she runs, and doesn't stop until she's safely hidden away where no one can see the tears she cries.

_But she knows he does it for her own good_

**

* * *

**

_She talked to her friend the other day_

_On the phone_

_Talked of nothing but him_

_Five hours of nothing but him_

Maggie laughed. Catherine could imagine her smile. "Cathy, darling, it's been five and a bit hours, does this honey of yours have a name?"

Catherine snorted and broke into giggles. "Oh, you silly thing, I'm married. You know that. He's just a friend."

Maggie laughed raucously. "Say if I were to believe you, what then? Go on, tell."

Catherine rolled her bright blue eyes. "Sydney-" she breathed, but was cut off by her friend's hysteric scream.

"Oh my Gawd! You're so done for! Hook, line and sinker…!"

_But they can't go on like this_

_It is wrong_

_The whole world knows it_

Catherine blushed in spite of herself, forcing her voice into some semblance of stability. "No, Margaret," she replied sternly, "I do not want him – or love him – and we are not lovers. Just good friends. I'm a married woman, and I could never betray James like that."

_That is why they ended it_

_Still she misses him_

Maggie sniffed, attempting to compose herself. "You're a good person, Cathy. Just remember that. I know you love James, but sometimes I wonder, I seriously wonder… if your love was not… misplaced… perhaps…?"

"Margaret!"

Maggie gasped on the other end of the line. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Cathy! I never meant for it to sound quite so rude!" She struggled to apologise, but everything she said only seemed to make it worse. "I… Cathy, please, you must know that I only want the best for you-" She was cut off by Catherine hanging up, left alone with only her racing heart and the persistent dial-tone buzzing in her ear.

Catherine stared at the phone with wide blue eyes, seemingly shocked. She stood violently and wrenched the phone from the wall and threw it to the floor.

**

* * *

**

_She wants her husband to come home_

_But knows it won't be the same_

_Her love is not the same_

_Can never be_

_And the only cure for Catherine Parker_

_Will always be_

_Sydney Green_

**The End**


End file.
